“I have been one whole year sober while also spending that entire time single, with no interest in dating - until I met my now partner, anyways. This past year, reflecting on past relationships/myself, I imagined whoever I dated in the future would also be sober. Boy, oh boy! Guess what? The person I am tenderly in love with drinks AND smokes. Do you have any general advice/insight/thoughts on navigating relationships with this dynamic?”
“I’ve definitely had to set boundaries and that did get easier with more time sober. I remember being sober around 7 years and dating someone where I was like, it’s really hard to see the liquor on the top of the fridge, can it be in a cupboard? Playing with where do I need to ask for boundaries and where do I need to take care of myself? And be honest with yourself about your triggers - what’s triggering, what’s not. I’ve had really successful long-term relationships with people are not sober, and I think it’s absolutely possible. It has to be so specific to you - only you can carve out the boundaries, what you need, and do it in alignment with your truth and not manipulating. And I say that because I know that can be hard for me - especially if you’re new to sobriety, it’s ok to feel some resentment speaking up like, why do they get to drink? When you see those and they come up for you, I think start to take that inventory, start to see what’s missing in my own emotional sobriety that might help me relate to this person in a less resentful way. ”
“I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit about how you deal with the normalization and privileging of freakin cis heteronormativity. I’m feeling intensified bitterness about the social ease with which straight people are recognized and celebrated as a couple (not “friends” or “sisters” or “roommates”), get engaged, get married, have babies, etc. As a queer couple, none of those steps are taken for granted or come easily. So many public encounters are rife with microaggressions (ie when the farmers market friend is recognizing us as queer aka “thanks, ladies!” she’s also misgendering my non-binary partner). I love the queer life and beautiful queer/chosen family friendships but am feeling down about the challenges especially as they relate to contact with extended family and the outside world. Do you have any coping mechanisms or balms against heterosexism? ”
“How do you move towards that grief of this is actually really uncomfortable and can be really sad sometimes and knowing that that will pass and there might be certain situations where a sister comment, noticing these microaggressions, to just be like “ok, we got another sister comment.” How can it be playful? What are some activities that make us - either you as individuals or as a couple - feel really confident and good in your queerness, and really seen? Whether that’s sending a picture of the two of you to a friend or I don’t know, like putting on Cher together and dancing or something!”
“In this moment when so much organizing, sharing, and connection is taking place virtually, I’m feeling really excited about the opportunity to connect more widely than I usually have the chance to, but I’m feeling stuck about how to start branching out. I’ve loved going to some readings or talks by artists I already know of and follow, but I feel like I’m slipping into a kind of internet-info crack— the kinds of intimate and community-driven events or online classes I feel excited by aren’t super easy to find on the first couple pages of Google, for example, but I also don’t follow many people on social media and I’m curious about ways to connect and build community that don’t rely on those platforms. I think these are questions you’ve thought about too, and I’m wondering if you have advice about how or where to find thoughtful/queer/imaginative/connection-rich spaces, online classes, etc. when I don’t already have go-to spaces and teachers. ”
“I want to answer this question and not use social media as the answer and I’m humbled and frustrated that I’m not entirely sure how to answer that without it. Again, I don’t know where you live so I’m definitely thinking about if you have neighbors, your own local community radio station, if you have places where you can talk to people. I think the only way we as a community and people, a breathing human species, are going to start finding out information off of social media is literally to spread information off of social media. Beginning to ask questions to your community members off of those spaces, to say “who are you interested in right now?” Ask people if they know of the exact digital space you want to be in, maybe it’s a reading group, maybe it’s a knitting circle, maybe a writing or poetry class, and just see what comes up. ”
