“I’m having some conflict with a friend - patterns of triggering one another, disjointed communication, and not feeling totally seen - particularly over the last 6 months. It’s creating angst and taking up a lot of mental space, but is also with someone with whom I’ve shared some really special times (though they’re a relatively new friend ~3 years). What questions would you ask yourself in evaluating whether to continue investing energy in a relationship?”
— Anonymous Caller
“One thing I always say when you’re approaching a friendship dynamic is to really take care of your side of the street. Instead of focusing on what the friend does to trigger you, really keep it about you. To share, “this is what triggers me.” Looking deep - maybe it’s something about an old friendship, maybe it’s something from childhood, maybe it’s an abandonment issue, something about your identity, past harm that’s been done to you. And there’s always the spiritual side of things - praying about it to whatever you pray to (cloud, God, spirit of the universe), taking journal time to reflect on your own experiences in the friendship, and just really get clear. I love that you said “what questions do you ask yourself?” I think they’re around, what brings me safety? What brings me joy in friendship? What makes me feel heard? ”
— Marlee Grace
“I’m moving to a new apartment at the end of this month. This past year has been a test of wills to say the least, with my relationship, with my home space. Unclean and lazy roommates destroying a place I spent a lot of time building. Any rituals or advice on how to sever that connection and make room and appreciation for the new space, my new home?”
— Anonymous Caller
“Make sure you’re communicating - whether with yourself or other people - about what do I want my home to feel like? Why is my home important to me? What do I want to feel like in my space? Having your home being a spiritual place - I like to say everything is an altar. Starting with little surfaces where you can put little rocks or sticks or things that are important to you, that remind you of people you love or miss or want to honor, ancestors, energy that you want to bring in. Creating little temples around the space in your house to pay homage to who you are and where you come from and what you want to see. ”
— Marlee Grace
“About a year ago, I ended my relationship with a cis, straight man because I realized I was gay. Up until that point, I’d only dated men and was in my late twenties. Since then, I’ve had an amazing and liberating experience of embracing my queerness, but I’ve also had so much difficulty ridding myself of the shame of inexperience and lateness - this feeling that I’ve lost time. A lot of my friends are gay or queer, even though they’re super supportive of me, I can’t help feeling like I’m behind them in some way, and that the fact that I lacked some kind of knowledge and self awareness is a personal failing. Do you have any thoughts on how to get past this?”
— Anonymous Caller
“Just know that people come out when they’re like 60. I think you mentioned you’re in your late 20s. I think I felt like that too, like “ah, how did I not know this til I was 28?!” And that’s just when I knew, because that’s when I knew it. Now I get to share my experience with you, and you’ll share your experience with other people, and that’ll either save them time in the closet or time not fully being themselves, or just make them feel less alone. Again, I can’t tell you enough how on time you are and how light it is. You’re gay! Congratulations to the greatest thing you might ever know about yourself! That’s how I feel! You get to learn about yourself in a whole new way now and, hypothetically, you get to do that with other queer people, which is amazing. I feel nothing but deep excitement for you and all that you get to explore. You’re right on time, you get to find new parts of yourself in literature and a little bit in the media, you’ll keep finding parts of yourself, and I think it’s going to be really exciting and really beautiful”