“This is the first time I’ve been single since I was 16, I’m now 26. I have a lot of fear around not ever finding love again and of spending time on my own, but I also know that it’s really important for me to be alone. What tips /recommendations do you have for building a relationship with yourself (particularly in the middle of a pandemic)?”
“I talk about and think a lot and write about dancing and dancing alone, and having an embodiment practice, and maybe even filming yourself as another opportunity of mirror work in that way, to see how your body is moving, thank your body for taking you this far, for 26 whole years, that’s amazing, and putting on your favorite music and feeling yourself.”
“How do I move on and love myself after being cancelled by a friend without any communication attempts on their end? I constantly strive to be the best friend and communicator that I can be, and yet I still trigger people who decide that shutting me out completely with no conversation is the only way that they can be ok. But it ends up triggering my abandonment and anxiety to the point of being totally paralyzed, and I have a really hard time moving on and letting it go.”
“I had a wave of friendships end in 2018, a few who really told me it was my fault. Looking back, I really internalized that shame and guilt and smallness for so long. When I was like, I wasn’t right for two humans. Two human beings were like, you’re not right for me. But I took that as, I’m not right for everyone. I’m not worthy of any friendship. How can you love yourself through this? Who are your cheerleaders? Who are the people who you really trust, who really see you, who celebrate your inherent worthiness? Go to them! celebrate them back!”
“I’m crushing hard on someone I just met, and I’m finding it hard to stay in my center. She’s my dream babe (or so it seems) but she doesn’t seem as eager to rush into something as I am. She takes forever to respond to texts, doesn’t seem to want to hang out as urgently as I do...all of which triggers my fears of inadequacy and rejection. How do I avoid losing myself to either fear or fantasy? How do I stay with myself through the uncertainty while I wait to see if this relationship turns into anything?”
“Don’t abandon yourself, right? The longest person you will be in a relationship with is you. The longest intimate physical, pleasurable, sensual relationship, the longest emotional relationship, spiritual relationship, physical relationship. Keep doing your hobbies. Keep doing your recreation, keep checking in with your friends. Find a few friends who don’t co-sign your BS, what’s what I like to say, who really know you and maybe know this place you want to go in the fantasy. Just really be with yourself, remember that this person does not decide your worthiness for your next relationship, the way you love yourself. If this person can’t really show up and doesn’t want to hang, that’s fine.”
“I just broke up with my partner of a few years, whom I love very very deeply, because I am finally coming into and accepting my queer identity. I want to be intimate with women, but had this pretty fulfilling partnership with a man and am feeling definite regret over whether or not I made the right decision, and slightly feeling like I failed at being in a heterosexual relationship (underlying homophobia, I assume). Something like “it wasn’t at all horrible, I could have stuck it out, there was a lot of love there but no aliveness”. Did you ever have those feelings when you ended your marriage? What advice do you have for a situation like this?”
“Let’s take a deep, collective breath, for everyone who has ended partnership ever. Or came out to themselves, or a partner, or a part of your queer identity meant you couldn’t stay in a current partnership in the way that it existed. I always have my sassy answer and my nice, kind answer. I’m like “if you’re gay, you’re gay. If you’re gay, you can’t be with a guy.” That’s ok! That’s ok! You love him so much, I bet he’s really nice. And it’s fine and you can go be queer and go frolick around the world. There’s so many of us waiting to court you and to date you and to celebrate you joining the ranks. And also, queerness can exist in a lot of relationships. ”
“I’ve been dating a woman for a year and we recently got a cat. It’s clear she loves the cat more than me. How do I move forward in a positive way?”
“I know you’re confident and you say, you know that she loves the cat more. I think she loves the cat differently. All I can say is many blessings on your journey of moving forward in a positive way. And in a real way, if this is really distracting, maybe plan some quality time for you and your girlfriend to connect outside of the house, no cat around.”
“I’m an artist who is working through many different mediums and I feel this pressure from the world to pick one thing and stick to it, but I’m finding myself attracted to different forms of art-making, so what do I do?”
“My suggestion is like, what are the themes that are throughout everything you’re making? And then really see that you’re not jumbled or chaotic, you’re working within different mediums within 1-3 themes. I think do a little writing about what you’re attempting to convey in your art, how are the mediums actually similar and overlapping, and how can I develop some language to describe it? You gotta love words like interdisciplinary artist or multi-disciplinary artist, there’s so many ways we can talk about ourselves now.”