HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE NEXT SHOW? AIRS DECEMBER 13!
YOU CAN ALSO MAKE A DEDICATION OR REQUEST!
“Like you, I am a divorced woman who has remained best friends with their now ex-husband. In the 5 years that we have navigated this new way of being in partnership together, I have found it very difficult to date other men who are accepting of it. The relationship is purely platonic, but new partners think it’s not normal. Did you have to navigate this in your new relationships post divorce? If so, how did you handle it and do you have any words of advice?”
“I would say for all people - hets, queers, anybody in between, the bisexuals, the pansexuals, the gays, the dykes, the homos, however you identify - I really think we want intimacy, we want platonic intimacy, we want abundance. And you can definitely find men who will not be threatened by you having a friendship with our ex-husband. There is no doubt in my mind. If you don’t, you gotta shift where you’re looking or something. I don’t mean to shame those people. Jealousy is natural, their minds are corrupted by the heteronormative patriarchy that says that that’s weird. It’s not weird, it’s cool and revolutionary to be friends with your ex-husband. Here’s the thing, though, it means you’ll have to find someone who is confident in themselves, really loves themself, isn’t threatened by that kind of intimacy.”
“I am going through a very traumatic breakup. I was with this partner for a year where multiple life altering decisions, situations and events happened in a very short and quick amount of time. Trauma bonding to the max, if you will. Though I did a lot of codependency work years ago, I slid back into the role of caretaker, emotional punching bag, therapist, and be-all seamlessly and am now in recovery again. I rationalized away verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse by telling myself my ex was simply acting out his grief or in the throes of a new hormone regiment. One panicked decision after another lead me into signing a lease with him, giving up my home of four years, then breaking up and having to move two more times within two months...during covid! He cheated on me (during covid!!!) and is currently partnered with this other person. I believed him when he said I wasn’t enough : not queer enough, smart enough, masculine enough, tough enough, lovable enough. Me being nonbinary wasn’t “enough”. I did everything wrong, from how I cleaned to how I cooked to how I simply lived.
The problem, Friendship Village, is that I still believe him. I believe him that I am not enough. That I am somehow so deeply flawed that I am malignant, unlovable, toxic. I feel like an imposter as a queer and nonbinary person. I am so uncomfortable in my skin and feel paralyzed, struck in fear, that I can’t even pick up a pen and write- an act that truly freed me. What’s worse is that he has rallied around a group of queer acquaintances that he met through me, effectively alienating me from some folks I truly saw as friends and resources to a wider queer community. I know I have so much work ahead of me in terms of healing, and I’m on the universe’s timeline, but jeeze, I feel so lonely and feel like I deserve it, or like I’m getting punished. That because I *believe* all this hurt I am carrying with me, I don’t deserve community. I know it’s complicated, but I’m a believer of signs, and if you’ve got one to share, I’d really appreciate it. These winter days are so dark and hard as it is.”
“Because if you’re queer, if you ever met a queer, you know that these feelings of unlovability are so common. And just naming it, I think, and knowing you’re not alone in that energetically, spiritually, factually, is what brings us into ourselves, which is so lovable and so worthy. First of all, you’re allowed to mess up and still be worthy of love and community. You’re allowed to cause harm, you’re allowed to not even be a good person, and still make amends and rebuild. You’re magic. All queers are magic, even when we aren’t our best selves or have hurt other people, you are deserving of love and kindness and community and magic and I hope that all those things come to you. I often say, I’m a tornado person and my friends love me for being a tornado person just the way I am. Chaos comes with me sometimes and that’s ok. ”
“I’ve been in a loving relationship with my partner for seven years now. A few years ago we “officially” opened our relationship for dating, flirts, intimacy with other people. This has always been good, we talked about everything and we always stayed “the couple” if you know what I mean. Now my partner has fallen deeply in love with someone else. It’s been difficult and intense for my partner, for me and also for the new person I guess, but after all we decided on staying together (we also live together), but my partner ALSO wants to expand this new romantic relationship with the new person. I absolutely believe it when my partner says they love me, and I love them, and I’m so willing to give this thing a try. BUT STILL I’m struggling with jealousy and with fear that maybe one day my partner will make a decision. I wonder how much of this fear is just based in what society, our parents or pop culture taught us about relationships and love, about how it always has to be “two people” in the end... I would love to hear your thoughts on this! How can we crack open these patterns in our minds?”
“I think look into where do I feel safe today? Right now, your partner is with you, they’re not running away. Is that a fear that could happen later, absolutely, but it’s not what’s happening today. Focus on yourself today. Like I said, we don’t know what’s going to happen. When I was going through a divorce and openness was part of it, I had so much fear. And now my life is so beautiful even on the hard days, and it all happened exactly as it was supposed to. One of my mentors who I run things by is always like “tell me the worst case scenario, say it all out loud, and then remember that you could survive that.” So I’m not going to sit here and say everything’s going to be fine, it could get harder, and it could get easier. Stay in the day, pay attention to what you can trust and know today, which really seems to be the love that you and your partner have built thus far.”
“What is the queeriest holiday dish (food you eat) and why? ”